


Pain, More Real Than You'll Ever Know

by writingcreature



Series: Warzone/Paradise Chronicles [3]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Danny Whump, Dark, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epic Bromance, Healing, Hurt Danny "Danno" Williams, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Steve McGarrett, Self-Destruction, Suicide Attempt, Uncertainty, mcdanno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-22 19:47:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7451749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingcreature/pseuds/writingcreature
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The timeframe is post liver transplant (episode 6.25) - eight months later. Steve and Danny have become a couple and Danny a master of disguise. He's still brooding about Matt's death and what he could've done differently. Yes, sometimes the pain is bearable, but always there, lurking in the dark. A case that triggers Danny's negative emotional response and awakens his inner demons who haunt him since his brother's death, throw him over the edge. With no more pieces left to try, he can't be fixed. All he wants is to embrace the shadows and to be free. Little does he know about Steve's stubbornness, though the path that lies ahead of them is beyond stony. You'll get to learn how Danny deals with this whole thing because - as you can guess - he didn't think he's going to survive and with the inevitable fallout of his suicide attempt.</p><p>Warning: I don't recommend this story to people who already deal with depression. I'm not just scratching the surface. I'll lead you to the most complex and dangerous place in the world: the human mind (FINISHED)</p><p>  <a href="http://mycoven.net/index.php?seite=display&img=i368b8e981"></a><br/><img/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tears streamed down Danny's face as he took the last photograph of him and Matt out of the old, battered shoe box. Steve had taken the snapshot before things went south.

_"This ends one of two ways, big brother. You either shoot me, or you say goodbye."_

The words echoed in Danny's head in an infinite loop. He saw himself standing at the fence pointing the gun at Matt. What if he 'd been the cop, he'd supposed to be and shot him? What if he arrested Matt?

"The pain won't go away Danny, but you'll learn to live with it," Steve told him not long ago.

"But you can't guarantee it, can you?" Danny muttered.

"No, but you can't guarantee you won't be living the happiest day of your life and get hit by a truck either. We can't live on what ifs; you can't live on what ifs." And while Steve tried to look him into the eyes, Danny was sweeping the floor with his gaze.

The pain and the guilt would never go away.

He remembered Matt's funeral, the looks that were thrown in his direction. There were no words needed to say who they held responsible for the misery that's been brought to them. Danny should have protected his younger brother. Instead, he got him killed by making a fucking decision that was against everything he believed as a cop. It was written all over their faces, "Why is Matt lying in this coffin when it should be you?"

A ragged sob escaped his throat. The photograph slipped from his fingers, fell to the floor where all the others were already scattered around.

Danny was broken beyond repair. Not even Steve's unconditional love could fix him. Steve might've sensed that something was off with his lover. He'd been acting a bit weird lately because he felt like moving around in quicksand. The harder Danny tried to get himself rid of his inner demons, the deeper he sank into depression. Then there was this case of human trafficking that had cost the lives of a dozen people, mostly women, and kids. Their death was unnecessary, like Matt's death. Danny felt confused, drained, sad, extremely depressed, hopeless, useless and worthless. He and Steve hadn't slept with each other for over a week. Danny had told him he didn't feel well. It wasn't an outright lie. He'd just bent the truth a bit by blaming a cold.

Since Matt's death, Danny's life had turned into a scale that balanced between darkness and light. Whenever he tipped into the darkness which happened a lot these days, the scale never rebalanced. Steve's presence was enough to keep him teetering in the middle, somehow. But what if he jumped off it … Danny didn't want Steve to carry that burden.

He looked at the crumpled piece of paper that lay on the coffee table. He'd scribbled somewhat last words for his lover.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_From the very beginning, I knew, no matter how hard I fell for you; you would always piss me off. You are the only person I know who can switch from being an outright dick to be utterly charming, during a fucking conversation. I love you, Steve. I really do._

_And therefore, I have no right to drill my dark thoughts into you. I'm stumbling, but I won't let you take the fall with me._

_Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. The time has come where I opt to end the suffering once and for all. Forgive me._

_Danny_

 

All emotions he'd bottled up since he killed Marco Reyes rushed to the surface. Danny thought holding the muzzle into Reyes's ugly face and pulling the trigger would make him feel better. Instead, he felt absolutely nothing. His whole world went numb. A cry, mixed with anger and despair, escaped his throat as he hurled the bottle of beer against the wall.

Exhausted, he went into the bathroom where the tub filled with warm water was waiting for him. He dropped his clothes where he stood and settled into the tub. Danny leaned back and closed his eyes for a moment while his hand reached for the knife that he'd prepared.

He welcomed the pain as he sliced his wrists. A rush of peace and contentment washed over him as he watched his life seeping from his body in thick, dark rivulets of blood. For the first time since his brother's death, he wasn't afraid of the darkness. He embraced it as he drifted off into oblivion.

####

"Jerry, what the hell you think you're doing with this trunk full of nonsense? We're going on a weekend trip and not a treasure hunt?" Grover hollered out, not quite amused.

Jerry dropped it and put his hands akimbo, "I need something to read. I'm not into hiking or climbing or fishing."

"Ever heard about Kindle? Max teased, "Tons of books packed in a tiny pad."

"I don't do Kindle; I like the way my books feel and smell." Jerry defended his decision.

"Speaking of smell," Chin chimed in, "I hope you know how to take a proper shower in the wilderness."

Kono chuckled.

"We're only away for two days, and you want me to shower, seriously?" He wrinkled his nose.

"I'll teach you about the Navy shower," Steve offered. Before he could go further into detail, his cell phone chirped.

He didn't look at the caller ID.

"McGarrett?"

"Hi Steve, this is Rachel," Danny's ex-wife replied, "sorry to disturb you. Is Danny with you?"

"Hi Rachel," he gave his team a questioning look, "no, Danny's not here. But why are you calling me and not him?"

"I've tried, Steve, for the last couple of hours, "but all my calls are going straight to voice mail."

"Is there something wrong? Why are you so concerned?" Steve asked.

"It might sound crazy but could you please check on him? His last call was a bit, um, awkward, like he would wish me goodbye." Rachel's voice trailed off.

"I know he is suffering a cold, he probably …"

"Believe me, whatever he suffers from is certainly not a cold," Rachel interrupted him. "Shouldn't you know him better since the two of you … I mean …"

Steve brows shot up, "I, what?"

"Don't panic. Danny told me about it. I'm happy for the both of you. However, two weeks ago, when he visited us in Los Angeles, he wasn't bouncing with happiness from the ceiling. So it's either you that pissed him off or something else, but I'm sure as I could be it's not as simple as a cold. And then there was this call from him, today. I'm the last person who wants to be a pain in your ass; sorry that sounded a bit odd, given the circumstances. But can you do me a favor and check on him?"

Steve's heart hammered in his chest; dark shadows crossed his eyes. "I'm on my way Rachel; I call you as soon as I know what the hell is going on, promised."

"Thank you," Rachel said, and then the line went dead.

Steve's voice was firm, his expression dead serious when he talked to his teammates.

Jerry decided to hold the fort. Kono and Max took Kono's car; Chin rode his Harley, and Lou suggested driving Steve's truck. He was thankful for it because his mind was on overdrive with the adrenaline-induced state of captivating bedazzlement as he recalled the last few weeks with Danny.

It's been a rough time for all of them. H50 busted a ring of human traffickers. Not all the victims made it out alive of the rust bucket of a ship. Twelve people, mostly women, and kids, died. Given the state of decay, Max said they had been dead long before the rescue team had set a foot on the floating death trap.

And as kids in Charlie's and Grace's age were involved, Steve blamed the case for Danny's foul mood and the cold that he never had according to Rachel. He'd even bought his friend some medicine to get better. How little did he know about Danny's emotions? The thought made him cringe.

Lou drove the truck like the four horsemen of the apocalypse were on their heels; they were at Danny's in no time. All of them got out of the car. The Camaro was parked in the driveway. Steve hurried to the backside of the house to get a clear view of the living room because its large box bay window didn't have a curtain, and the lights were on. He went on autopilot as soon as he discovered the mess on the floor. He almost flew back to the front yard, kicked down the door and yelled Danny's name at the top of his lungs. It stank of stale beer. His teammates swarmed out as well, cleared every corner of the house.

Steve couldn't tell why it was the bathroom door that stood slightly ajar that caught his attention. As soon as he entered the dimly lit room, his feet were welded to the floor. He wasn't able to move an inch.

"Danny, for chrissake, what have you fucking done?" he whispered. Danny's eyes were closed. He was lying in a pool of red water with his left arm dangling over the edge of the tub. Steve's instincts took over. He went to the tub and fell to his knees next to it. A thick, dark pool of blood that covered the floor soaked into his cargos. He gently cupped his lover's head that lolled to the side, "No, no, no. After all, we've been through; you think you can take the easy way out? I didn't die on you, and you won't die on me either. I'm not ready letting you go. You hear me, babe? Max, in here," Steve hollered out.

The coroner was shocked as he discovered Steve kneeling in the middle of a bloody mess.

The other teammates gathered outside the bathroom door to give their friends enough room to move around. Kono was already on the phone, dialing 911.

"I've found some empty bottles of pills as well," Chin stated dryly.

"Do me a favor and keep them for me," Max said.

"Done."

"Steve, remember his skin is wet. Anchor your hands under his limp thighs and try to get a firm grip." Max instructed him. He counted to three. Then they lifted Danny's body out of the water. It had splashed on their legs before it became a shallow pool on the bathroom floor.

"Let's move him over there," Max pointed his head to a free space away from the tub.

"Your T-shirt," the coroner said demanding.

"Is Danny breathing?" Steve asked while he was ripping the shirt from his body and then further it into tinier stripes. He shared them with Max, who pulled the cloth tightly around Danny's wrist and tied it into a knot. Simultaneously, Steve did the same thing on Danny's other hand.

"How long until the ambulance arrives?" Max wanted to know.

"In a few minutes," Kono replied.

Steve pressed two fingers to Danny's neck.

"Don't you dare, Danno, don't you dare." He cursed his friend, inwardly.

On raised knees, Steve put the heel of one hand on Danny's chest, the other one on top of it and started pressing down hard, repeatedly. Sweat beaded on his forehead. When he stopped, Max tilted Danny's head slightly back before he blew air into his lungs.

About two minutes later, two paramedics arrived and supported them.

Steve desperately tried not to lose it as he took a step back to let them do their work.

"We need to shock him," Max stated dryly. The paramedics prepared everything.

"Two hundred joules," Max ordered.

The team heard the defibrillator power up, and each of them said a silent prayer.

As the defibrillator discharged and Danny's body rose up in response, Kono put her hand over her mouth to stifle a cry.

Nothing.

"Power up to three hundred joules," Max barked.

Danny's body rose up once more. The heart-rate monitor spiked and kept a steady rhythm, to everyone's relief.

Max intubated the blond detective before the paramedics carefully lifted his limp body onto a gurney and wheeled him out.

Chin stayed behind until someone came around to fix Danny's entrance door which could take a while.

Steve climbed the ambulance and somehow managed to settle his lanky frame into the foldout chair opposite to Danny. This situation wasn't new to him. He sat there before, more times than he could think of but last time, the roles had been reversed, and they hadn't been in love with each other or at least, not like they were now. Steve took Danny's cold hand into his and squeezed it tightly. Tears stung in his eyes.

"You're not leaving me, Danno. You hear me? If you think, I'm a selfish bitch ordering you around; you're damned right. You were the piece of me I never knew I was missing. You are Grace's and Charlie's everything. We need you. You gave the gift of life to me not so long ago. I wished I could do the same for you." Steve had never felt so helpless in his life before, and he owed Danny and would do everything possible to help him. Unfortunately, there wasn't much he could do except talking to Danny and hoping his words would somehow reach him. Steve's voice cracked as tears kept rolling down his face.

With wailing sirens, Danny was rushed to the Tripler Army Medical Center and into a future so unknown that scared the crap out of Steve and the rest of the team.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](http://mycoven.net/index.php?seite=display&img=i368b8e981)   
> 

At the hospital doctors and nurses were bustling around. Steve's focus was on Danny, and when his listless body was wheeled away from him, it felt like his heart was torn out of his chest. He grabbed a hold of the next person that was coming out of the ER area. 

"Doctor, how is he, is he going to make it?" Steve desperatly wanted to know. 

"They took Detective Williams straight to surgery and got him started on intravenous meds to counteract the pills he's taken. Nevertheless, you should prepare yourself." With that, the doctor left, and the double door closed. 

The words felt like a kick in the gut. Steve doubled over, had to support himself with his hands on his knees. He had to prepare himself … For what? He wasn't ready to go there. Not now. Not as long there was this little spark of hope in him, which denied being extinguished. 

A hand weighted heavy on Steve's back. It was Lou. 

"Steve, you're okay? Any news on Danny. Chin, Kono and I just arrived." 

McGarrett straightened up and shook his head, "The doctor said I should prepare myself. How the fuck should I do that? I mean, Danny and I just talked to each other in the morning. He didn't say a word. I thought we were happy; he was happy. I swear I had no idea that he was going to …" Steve pointed at the double door, "He just gave me half his liver. He saved my life, and all I can do is to prepare myself? Really?" 

He drove both of his hands through his hair. Then he started pacing, like a tiger in a cage. 

"We should call Rachel. If you want me …" 

Steve stopped and looked at Lou, "It's okay. I'm calling her. I'll do it." He nodded as he had to convince himself. "Where are Chin and Kono?" 

Lou hooked his thumb over the shoulder. "At the front desk, giving them Danny's details." 

"Okay, okay. I gotta call Rachel." Steve said and left the waiting area while he took the cell phone out of his cargo's back pocket to speed dial her. 

"Steve?!" 

"Hi Rachel, I'm, I don't, I'm sorry," He stuttered. 

"Oh my God, what happened?" Her voice trembled. 

Steve tried to keep his composure. During the following few minutes, he explained to her what had happened to Danny. She told him she was going to take the next flight from Los Angeles. He couldn't say if she were angry with him or not. The line went dead, and he returned to the waiting area. 

In the meanwhile, Chin and Kono had joined Lou. All eyes were on their teamleader. 

"Rachel is flying in from Los Angeles," was all he could say before Max showed up. He'd changed his clothing and was wearing light blue scrubs. 

Lou, Chin, and Kono rose to their feet and went over to him together with Steve. 

"What's going on in there?" Steve urged him. 

"They fight for his life, and I hope Detective Williams does the same. The loss of blood and the fact that he just donated you half of his liver ... We have to wait and see. We can't do anything else." Max was devastated. 

"Oh God, what have you done, Danno?" Steve tilted his head back and closed his eyes briefly. 

"Steve, you should take a shower and change," Lou suggested in a low voice. 

McGarrett's head snapped into his friend's direction, "I'm not leaving. Not as long as I don't know what happens with Danny." 

"With all due respect, Boss. You stink, and you look horrible. Lou is right," Kono intervened.

Steve gave himself a quick once-over. His hands were covered in dried blood, so were his cargos and his shirt. He was a complete mess. 

"Do you have some clothes with you?" Max wanted to know. 

"Yeah, they are outside in the truck in my duffle." 

"I'll go, get it," Lou was already on his way. 

"And I'll take you to the locker room where you can take a shower and change," Max offered. "So you don't have to go elsewhere." 

"What can you tell me about depressions?" Steve asked while Max and he went downstairs after Lou had handed him the bag. "I mean I've heard some things and read articles, but I never got involved with the topic." 

"Well, as you know, I prefer my patients to be dead. So I don't have to deal with their problems or else. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm heartless or don't have an interest in who they were." 

"Max, please give me an explanation for dummies. Anything else is too much input, right now," Steve complained. 

"Okay, sorry. I think our friend suffered for quite a while. Did Detective Williams ever mention his brother's death or what he felt after, you know, he 'told Reyes goodbye?'" 

"We had a short talk after he returned from Matt's funeral, nothing in particular. And Reyes? I guess Danny swept that topic under the rug, and I didn't ask because I didn't want to be pushy or hurt him or whatever. I wished I had mentioned something. Maybe I would've seen …" Steve's voice trailed off. 

"I don't think so," Max interrupted Steve's train of thought. "People suffering depression can hide their feelings pretty well. They bottle up their emotions for as long as possible and function. Of course, some withdraw themselves from their environment, completely; not so the majority. Like Detective Williams, they are still able to socialize with others. They might be a bit quieter as usual, tired, eating less, etc. But they would, like in his case, blame a cold or whatever for their behavior. They would even tell you that they have mood swings because that is what other people think about it. Depressions aren't just mood swings. It's a sickness and must be treated. At some point, there's only one way, to seek professional help. Alas, the both of you don't have a thing for shrinks as far as I remember." 

Steve listened to Max attentively. And he could rely on many of the things he'd told him, so far. Danny had shown signs of depression, and Steve was too stupid to realize his friend was in serious trouble. Even if no one blamed him, he blamed himself for being ignorant. 

"Max, can you do me a favor? Do you think you can stay with Danny during the surgery? I don't want him to be all alone in there." 

"I think, it's doable. I'm on my way." Before he left, he opened the door in front of them, "Here is the locker room. The showers are over there. Help yourself." Max nodded briefly and was gone. 

Fifteen minutes later, Steve was back in the waiting area, dressed in a set of clean clothes, his hair still damp from the shower. 

He sat down and drove one hand over his five o'clock shadow, "I can't believe I didn't see this coming." 

"Nobody saw this coming," Chin chimed in. 

"Stop blaming yourself, boss. There was nothing you could do," Kono said. 

"I shouldn't have left him alone. I should have stayed with him," the lump in Steve's throat grew bigger every minute. 

"When I met him in the morning, everything seemed to be okay with him," Lou scratched the back of his head, "He was sarcastic as usual and behaved like the Danny Williams we all know. We were even joking around." 

"He'd become a master of disguise. Outside all smiles but on the inside …" Kono swallowed. 

Steve wondered what Rachel would say. Would she blame him? Would she tell him to leave the hospital as well as Danny's life? What would Danny say? Was he blaming him for being not there when he needed him the most? 

Steve leaned back and buried his face in his hands. All these things didn't matter. What mattered was Danny, who lay unconscious on a table in a room not far from him, surrounded by a bunch of people who did their best to save his life. 

The teammates didn't talk much until the double door opened for the first time in what felt like ages. They leaped to their feet simultaneously. Max and another doctor entered the room. 

"Commander McGarrett?" 

"Yes," the tiny word so full of emotions, cracked from Steve's lips, the lips that kissed Danny goodbye in the morning. Would he ever see him again? 

The doctor stretched his hand out, "I'm Doctor Kelani. I just finished Detective Williams's surgery." 

Steve and Kelani shook hands, "How is he?" The words rushed from Steve's mouth in a mixture of anticipation and panic. 

"He is stable, for now. Don't get your hopes too high. We could repair the vessels in his wrists, but it's way too early to tell if there would be any permanent nerve damages. Given the amount of Benzodiazepine he ingested, we've done a gastric lavage to remove as much as possible." 

"Where the hell did Danny get his hands on Benzodiazepine?" Steve asked aghast. 

Lou and Chin exchanged knowing looks. 

"What?" McGarrett snapped. 

Lou shook his head, "Let's talk about that later." 

Steve turned his attention back to Doctor Kelani, "Sorry doc." 

"No problem. Your friend was taken to the ICU. You'll be able to see him in about two hours. As we've induced a coma, you won't be able to speak to him." 

Steve held his breath for a second. 

"His body needs time to heal. His lungs aren’t working right, either. We had to put him on a ventilator for respiratory depression. We keep him sedated as long as he can't breathe on his own." Kelani explained. 

"For how long would that be? Days, weeks, months?" Steve fought back the tears that threatened to fall. He felt his energy drain from his body. 

The doctor shrugged. "I told you he's stable, but his struggle for life is far from over." 

"For chrissake, tell me is he going to make it!" Steve balled his hands into fists. Ready to punch anything that came between him and Danny. It was a senseless effort, but he didn't know what else to do with his hands. 

"I'm sorry, Commander. It's too soon to make that call, and it isn't up to us. The next forty-eight hours are going to be crucial for Detective Williams. He's quite a battle on his hands. And there is nothing we can do." 

Steve put his hand to his mouth and squeezed his nose with his thumb and forefinger. The whole room started to spin, and he desperately fought the panic attack that threatened to overcome him. 

'Danny's gonna be okay, he's gonna be okay,' he taught himself mantra-like. 

Kono gently touched Steve's arm, "Boss. You're alright?" 

His Adam's apple jumped up and down. He put his hand on Kono's, "Yeah, thanks." 

Steve blinked his eyes back to the room. The doctor and Max were gone. For how long had he been staring at the floor? 

As he slumped into the plastic chair, he looked up to his teammates. 

"What the hell do you know about the Benzodiazepine?" He addressed the question to Lou and Chin. 

"It's a guess, and we've to check on it," Lou said. 

"Spit it out," Steve ordered. 

"While you and Danny were in the hospital, we've raided a drug house," Chin explained. "They had all kinds of drugs, and meds stashed in the shack. Benzodiazepine was one of it. After the both of you returned, Danny took an inventory of the evidence room because HPD was looking for a gun that's been misplaced, apparently because Danny found it." 

"So this bastard had this planned all along," Steve mumbled. 

"What do you mean?" Kono got into it. 

"I hoped, the suicide attempt was an accident. That Danny didn't know what he was doing, or that it might've been a snap decision. Given what I know now, he'd planned it. I don't want to think about what would've happened if Rachel hadn't called me. Danny would be dead by now." 

Steve leaned forward, propped his elbow on his knee and put his forehead on the heel of his hand; the heel that had stabbed Danny's chest to keep him alive. His shoulders twitched. 

Kono sat down next to Steve and stroked his back. 

"I'll check on the meds in the evidence room," Lou stated dryly and left. 

Two hours later, Max and Dr. Kelani showed up and led them to Danny's room. Chin and Kono decided to wait outside while Steve entered the dimly lit room. 

Two patients were in there. Danny's on the left. When Steve reached the bed, his hand hovered over his friend's arm. He's too afraid to touch him. So he scooted the visitor chair closer to the bed and sat down. "You look peaceful like you were asleep, a sign you're not in pain, hopefully," Steve thought. 

"Jesus, Danno, what have you done?" He whispered as his gaze traveled down from Danny's face to the thickly bandaged wrists. The image of what's underneath tortured Steve's mind. He touched his lover's hand. The skin felt so much warmer than the last time he'd touched it. Suddenly, he was back in the bathroom, dragging Danny out of the water. Steve shook his head to get rid of the image. 

He concentrated on the man in front of him, his friend, his lover, "Why the hell did you do that to you? Why didn't you talk to me? I would've been there for you. And I'm there for you, now. I'm not leaving you. You hear me? We'll get through this, together." 

The machine that forced air into Danny's lungs, the countless wires and tubes which were leading from, and to Danny's still form sent a chill down Steve's spine. 

He squeezed the Blonde's hand tighter, "Fight Danny, fight for us. There are no words to describe how much I love you. I need you in my life. Come home, because I'm not prepared for any other outcome. Don't give up! Our story's just begun. It's not supposed to end here. I love you, babe." 

Steve got up and put the gentlest kiss on Danny's lips. Hoping he would wake him up, like in the fairy tales where the prince kissed the princess, and they lived happily ever after. However, their lives were far from being a fairy tale. Steve closed his eyes when he couldn't hold back his tears, any longer. 

Max entered the room, "Commander. I'm sorry. Time's up, but you can come back tomorrow, whenever you like." 

"And when Rachel isn't banning me from Danny's life," Steve thought, embittered.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](http://mycoven.net/index.php?seite=display&img=i368b8e981)   
> 

A few sleepless hours later, Steve stood in the middle of Danny's living room. The place was a mess, like their lives, right now. Pictures of Danny and his brother littered the floor mixed with the shards of a beer bottle. The stains of beer on the wall told Steve where the bottle had exploded. The stack of unopened mail on the table and the empty pizza- and take-out-boxes told him the rest of the story. Danny had given up on everything, a long time ago. No, his suicide attempt hadn't been a snap decision. It had been the result of an ongoing struggle. And to escape his inner demons Danny had only seen one way out. A piece of crumpled paper hit Steve's attention. He immediately recognized his friend's scribbling.  
  
_Dear Steve,_  
  
_From the very beginning, I knew, no matter how hard I fell for you; you would always piss me off. You are the only person I know who can switch from being an outright dick to be utterly charming, during a fucking conversation. I love you, Steve. I really do._  
  
_And therefore, I have no right to drill my dark thoughts into you. I'm stumbling, but I won't let you take the fall with me._  
  
_Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. The time has come where I opt to end the suffering once and for all. Forgive me._  
  
_Danny_  
  
WHAT? Danny asked him for forgiving? Aghast, Steve kept the letter reading all over again while shaking like a leave. Tears streamed down his face. He pressed his hand against his mouth to keep him from sobbing out loud. This was so different from what he had expected. There were no such things as accusations, embittered words or complaints. These few words stated just the obvious.  
  
"I'm sorry Danny, I wasn't there when you needed me the most, and that I didn't show you how much I love you. I'm sorry for your pain." Steve whispered. "I wished we could start all over again." His voice gave up on him. The lump in his throat became the size of a volleyball.  
  
His whole world was shattering in front of him, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. How could they have lived so close to each other without realizing that the person he loved the most was heading down such a dark path? Hadn't he cared enough about Danny? Hadn't he been listening enough to his friend? Why hadn't he told him how much he loved him more often?  
  
Steve had noticed a change in Danny's behavior, lately. It hadn't been dramatic. Otherwise, Steve would've mentioned it. Fuck, he should have mentioned it, anyway. Maybe he'd been too self-absorbed and careless. He'd taken Danny's love for granted. After six years and a life-altering experience, what could go wrong? Everything, he had to learn the hard way.  
  
On his way to the kitchen, a knock on the door stopped him short. He opened it and found himself opposite to Kono, Chin, and Lou.  
  
"Hello boss," Kono said, "we thought you could need some helping hands."  
  
Steve felt deeply moved, "How did you know?"  
  
"We've checked your GPS coordinates," Lou stated smiling.  
  
+++++  
  
Steve entered the visiting area and was relieved to see that Rachel wasn't around. He went straight to the counter to see if he could get an update on Danny's condition. The shifts already changed. There wasn't a familiar face left from last night.  
  
He went over to the counter and flashed his badge, "Hi, I'm Commander Steve McGarrett."  
  
"Hello, Steve," Rachel's voice sent a cold shiver down his spine. He tried to keep a neutral expression as he turned to facing her.  
  
"Hi, Rachel."  
  
They met half way and briefly shook hands. Steve hoped she didn't feel his insecurity.  
  
"I wished we'd met under other circumstances," Steve said.  
  
She nodded, "Yeah, me too."  
  
Silence.  
  
"When did you arrive?" Steve asked.  
  
"About three hours ago. Took a taxi to the hotel, and then came here."  
  
"Why didn't you call me? I would have picked you up."  
  
"It didn't cross my mind. Since you've called me, I was busy with getting everything arranged. And I didn't have a clue about what to expect. Will Danny be alive or do I have to visit the father of my children in the morgue? The uncertainty drove me almost insane."  
  
Tears fell from her eyes. Steve gently took her arm, led her to one of the plastic chairs and sat down next to her.  
  
She took a tissue from her handbag and blew her nose.  
  
Steve didn't want to be rude; he waited a few minutes until she regained her composure or at least some of it before he asked, "Did ... did you get to see Danny?"  
  
She nodded, "Yes. The doctor told me he's still struggling. They administered more active charcoal to his system at regular intervals to absorb the Benzodiazepine faster. Due to the transplant, his liver hasn't fully recovered, yet."  
  
Steve felt a sting of guilt. "Yeah, of course. I can't tell you how grateful I am for what he did. Without him, I would not be sitting here with you." He took Rachel's hand and squeezed it gently, "Danny is a great guy. His heart is so big and …"  
  
Rachel pulled her hand away, "Spare me the speech about my ex-husband being the kindest person in the world. I know what he did for you and Charlie. But why in the world did he try to kill himself?"  
  
Steve glanced at her, "If I had an answer to that you would be the first to know. I'm so sorry about what happened. I really am." He ran a hand over his mouth, "Obviously, I don't know Danny as well as I thought. And if you hadn't called…"  
  
Rachel put her hand on Steve's thigh. "Don't, Steve. Blaming yourself, blaming anyone wouldn't help him."  
  
He had to muster a lot of courage to say the next few words, "You know; I thought the love we are sharing for each other would be enough. But I was wrong. I'm not enough. If I were, I wouldn't have been covered in his blood last night. He must've known that I would be the one to find him. Why would he do that to me?" A single tear rolled down his cheek.  
  
"This isn't your fault, Steve. This isn't anyone's fault. Danny's in a state of mind where only professionals can help him, and he will receive this help now. And while he does, keep doing what you did all along, love him. He needs you."  
  
Steve lifted his head in surprise. He hadn't expected to hear these words from Rachel.  
  
Suddenly, she stood, made a few steps, turned around and looked down to him, "Nevertheless; I'm filing for sole custody."  
  
"You're what?!" Steve asked alarmed.  
  
"I took care that Danny's been taken to a psychiatric unit as soon as he's out of the woods."  
  
Steve jumped to his feet, "Rachel you can't do that! Locking him up in a loony bin won't change a single thing. When he wakes up, he's going to realize that it was a big mistake. He just wanted help. His action was nothing more than a flash of despair."  
  
She crossed her arms over her chest, "You know that isn't true. His mind is in a bad place. What if he's going to be disappointed that he didn't succeed? What if he's released and tries it again? Could you live with it? Believe me; it wasn't an easy decision to make. But I have to take care of Charlie and Gracie. Imagine he'd try it when … when the children were with him." She pressed her lips together.  
  
Steve pointed at her, "That is ridiculous! He would never do that. Even last night, he took care that he was all alone."  
  
She nodded, "Which makes it hard to believe he hadn't planned it. Danny needs specialist help, and you need to prepare yourself for the fact that this could take a long time."  
  
Steve huffed out a breath, "Rachel, I know he wants to get better. I'm entirely sure about that."  
  
"Unfortunately, this isn't about you." She shot back.  
  
"I know that. I'm not as fucking self-absorbed as you think." Steve yelled. All heads snapped into their direction. He glared back at the crowd. They returned to their jobs within seconds.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to be …" He muttered, "But Rachel, think twice. He's been through a lot in the past few months. If you're going to take Gracie and Charlie away from him, he's not going to make it. It would tip him over the edge; it would destroy him."  
  
"He was the one who took the first step in the wrong direction." She stated dryly.  
  
"And this has nothing to do with the fact that Danny and I are a couple? That we've become more than just friends? Are you scared that your kids could find out that their daddy and Uncle Steve are fucking with each other?"  
  
She waved him off, "Don't go there, Steve. I'm more open minded than you think. I'm a happily married woman, and Danny can sleep with whom he wants, as long as it makes him happy." Her lips melted into a concerned frown, "All this has nothing to do with his feelings for you or your feelings for him. You haven't caused this. However, you have to understand that I have to take care of my children. I promise you; my decision is going to be temporary."  
  
With that, she turned on her heel and left.  
  
Steve ran his fingers through his hair. He felt torn. One-half of him told him that Rachel was a heartless bitch. The other half told him she was a caring mother. Things were always different as soon as kids were involved. He took a deep breath and went to see Danny. He would sit alongside with him as long as the nurses let him. At night, he wouldn't sleep because his mind was forcing him to relive every single moment of Danny's rescue over and over until it was time to get up and do it all again.  
  
Day three: No changes. Steve thought this must be a nightmare from hell as the day panned out the same as the last.  
  
Day four and five went by as day three. Rachel must have changed her visiting hours because Steve didn't see her. Maybe she even left, but he highly doubted that.  
  
On day six Doctor Kelani attempted to wean Danny off his ventilator, which was unsuccessful and so the day stayed the same as the previous ones.  
  
Day eight: "Hi Rachel." Steve answered her call in panic while his gut turned into a knot.  
  
"Danny is awake. The hospital just called," she said.  
  
Steve had to sit down because it felt like his legs wouldn't support his weight any longer. "Oh, thank God."  
  
"We can't see him yet, but they're going to take us in before visiting hours. I'm going over right now. You can join me if you want."  
  
"Absolutely." After he'd d hung up on Rachel, Steve called Max. He'd promised to tell him when Danny woke up.  
  
"Awesome. I drop by at the hospital to see if I can get more detailed information if you don't mind," Max offered.  
  
"Of course not, I'll appreciate that. See you in a few."  
  
Then Steve called the rest of his team to spread the good news.  
  
Two hours later, he and Rachel were still sitting in the waiting area in front of the ICU. Steve let out a sigh of relieve when Max and Doctor Kelani emerged from a room with the "Staff Only" sign on the door.  
  
He and Rachel stood as the doctors approached.  
  
"You can go through, now. I'll join you in a few minutes to discuss any questions you might have." Rachel nodded briefly, then turned straight to the door of Danny's ward.  
  
Steve followed suit but was stopped by Max's hand. "I'm sorry Commander; he's not ready to see you."  
  
"What the hell does that mean?" Steve started to argue, attempting to step past him. "Didn't you hear the doctor?"  
  
"Doctor Kelani referred to Detective Williams's wife. Again, he doesn't want to see you, and his care team has to respect that."  
  
"WHAT?" He doesn't want to … why? What the hell have I done?"  
  
"As you know, he's recovering from a major trauma, physically and mentally. All he needs is some more time."  
  
Steve felt like being kicked in the gut. "But, why? I don't get that and how much more time does he need? That doesn't make any sense. Let me just talk to him. I'm sure he's going to change his mind."  
  
Max shook his head, "I'm sorry; I can't let you do that, not now. I ask you to be patient, okay?"  
  
"And how for Christ's sake should that work? How should I be patient when I'm going out of my frigging mind?" Steve blurted out.  
  
"It would be best if you go home," Max suggested calmly.  
  
"Ha, I'm sure as hell that I'm going to stay." Steve snapped.  
  
The coroner tried to talk some sense into Steve. "Detective Williams has a long road ahead. I highly doubt he's going to change his mind today."  
  
Steve went into stubborn-mule-mode, "Then I will come back tomorrow and the next day and the next because when he changes his mind, and he will, for sure; I want to be here. I'm staying. End of discussion."  
  
Max patted McGarrett's shoulder. "I think it's okay if you do that. But don't let your hopes get too high. I'm sorry. I have t to go. There's another body in the morgue, which needs my attention."  
  
And so Steve spent another day at the hospital pacing, drinking disgusting coffee from the vending machine, wolfing down a tasteless sandwich around afternoon and feeling more useless than ever.  
  
When Rachel showed up later, she sounded almost guilty as she filled him in on Danny's progress. Obviously, Danny spent most of the day in utter silence, rejecting his meds and sleeping.  
  
A few days later, Steve realized that he had to get back to work. Though it hurt like hell, he couldn't put his life on hold until Danny decided to change his mind. On day twelve, the blond detective was moved to the psychiatric unit. He still refused to see Steve and meanwhile, Rachel went back to Los Angeles.  
  
+++++  
  
"Wakey, wakey, rise and shine, Daniel."  
  
He rolled his eyes behind closed lids. Hadn't anybody told that woman how annoying her chirpy voice was that early in the morning?  
  
"I have your meds," She said that like she presented him the best meal in town. "You're gonna take them for me, aren't you?" She repeated that damned question like a thousand times. At least, it felt that way for Danny. He wanted her to go away. He wanted ALL of it to go away.  
  
"I'll be back with the breakfast trolley pretty soon." She cooed.  
  
'Is that a threat?' Danny thought. When she finally left, he rolled to his left and kept staring at the wall. He shouldn't be here. Fuck, he shouldn't be anywhere. How the hell did he survive? He was a waste of life; he couldn't even kill himself. Once more, he'd fucked-up everything.  
  
Danny spent three more days in silence. He thought ignoring everything and pretending long enough he didn't exist might eventually force his body to give up. Another plan that didn't work out. In between, his therapist, Alicia showed up twice a day. She's the same stubborn mule as … Steve. Ouch, now that really hurt.  
  
… to pretend you're feeling fine, today." Alicia said.  
  
"You are wasting time, talking therapy won't work. Been there, done that." Danny spat.  
  
"Ha, it speaks," she smirked, "I know. I've got your records with me. Talking therapy only works if both sides ARE indeed talking to each other."  
  
'Why don't you just go and fuck yourself?' Danny thought.  
  
"Oh, I forgot to mention, Steve's outside," she informed him.  
  
Hearing his friend's name felt like a whiplash on naked skin and the sound of it echoed in his head forever. Danny was guilt-ridden and ashamed. He'd hoped Steve would hate him for what he'd done. He'd been wrong.  
  
"He needs to forget about me," Danny snapped. Anger was the only way to deal with his emotions.  
  
"Why's that?" Alicia got into it.  
  
"I've caused him nothing but pain. He shouldn't waste a thought about me because I'm not worth it."  
  
"And he's not worth to be loved by you, either?" Alicia asked.  
  
"WHAT? Stop twisting my words. I never said that. Next to my kids, he's become the most important person in my life." Danny looked Alicia straight into the eyes.  
  
The therapist gave him a satisfied grin. "I am not the average shrink. I'm not going to read from a list and scribble down my thoughts. I'm not going to wrap you in cotton, and most of all I'm not going by textbook because if I'd done that, I would've never gotten a reaction, let alone an answer from you, would I? You don't need to give me an answer. Time's up."  
  
Before she left, she pulled an envelope out of her records.  
  
"You might not want to talk to Steve, but he has to say some things to you." Alicia put the envelope on the nightstand. "I tell Steve you're going to read it, okay?" she winked at him and left.  
  
Danny felt like his intestines had turned into a gigantic knot altogether. He stared at Steve's handwriting on the envelope. TO DANNY, nothing more, nothing less. With shaky fingers, he reached for it …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this journey. Comments and/or Kudos appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

Tears stung in Danny's eyes as he looked at the white envelope he held in his slightly trembling hand. He tried to get rid of the big lump in his throat by swallowing a few times in a row. It was in vain. Anger and guilt weigh heavy on his shoulders. Danny's heart thundered in his chest as he carefully opened the envelope. He didn't know what to expect, but if Steve told him good-bye, he would fully accept it. Danny took the letter out of the envelope, unfolded the piece of paper and started to read.

_You stupid bastard,_

_Did you really think you could disappear and have no one grieve your absence? How could you be so incredibly self-centered? I was with you; I knew every ugly detail. And yet you decided to carry the heavy burden alone. I hate you, Danny Williams. I hate you for throwing me out of your life. I hate you for making me write this letter._

_However, if you think I'm turning my back on you and leave; I have news for you. I won't. I'm still the stubborn mule that loves you no matter what. I still have your back. You can't steal yourself from your loved ones. You and I are in this together. Fuck you, Danny, not long ago you gave me the gift of life by donating half of your liver. I wished I could give all the strength I have to you, but it doesn't work that way. You have to crawl out of the hole you dug yourself into._

_I'm holding my hand out to you. Please take it. No matter how hard you try, you can't push me away. The night we found you, me and the team and Max, we fought so desperately not to lose you. I'm still keeping up that fight. We all do. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I thought you knew how much you mean to me. I'm sorry I haven't shown it to you or told it to you more often. I might have taken your love for granted, which was wrong. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. How could I've lived next to you and not see it coming? How could I've been so ignorant? Forgive me, Danno._

_I love you._  
_Steve_

Danny's mind was racing miles ahead while tears streamed down his face. What's the point in fighting depression when it bites you at any given moment? The venom, the poison … it seeped back in. He knew it wasn't over; he was still living the nightmare. How in the world should their love survive in all this emotional chaos? The agony Danny felt in his mind was real and scared him shitless. He took Steve's letter in his hands and curled up on the bed in a fetal position. He buried his face in the pillow to stifle his sobs. It was Steve who had found him and saved his life. Nobody had told him about it. Danny tried to remember his lucid moments over the past few weeks. They had been rare. Pretty, delicate shards of ice landing on the palms of his hands. They were moments he watched melting on his skin, helplessly.

Danny recalled the last time he and Steve had slept with each other.

_While Steve lay in the wake of their passionate love, Danny's only thought was, "I should probably go now." Yes, the real loves, the great ones, are intense and painful. He was about to lose himself. The love between him and Steve was dangerous and beautiful, delicious and hot. But true loves aren't really happy and fun; true loves are when you love someone so much you hate him. He started thinking about their future. An inner voice asked him, "Can you see tomorrow?"_

_No._

_"Can you see yourself walking out of this room?"_

_No._

_It was the first time he'd been caught in a white-out and experienced the terror of absolute nothingness. He couldn't see anything, was unable to tell if his eyes were opened or closed. With a face wet with tears, he wanted to tell Steve, "I'm already dead." From that moment on Danny started thinking, "I wish something else would take me … something, anything. It would deem out of my control, an accident; something that would relieve me of this agony, that would do the honors for me." He'd hoped for the impossible._

_+++++_

Alicia finished her talk with a young girl in a wheelchair. Then she went looking for Steve and found him outside. He was on the phone.

"Okay, thanks, Lou. I'm on my way." He ended the call but kept staring at the display until it went dark.

Alicia cleared her throat. She caught his attention immediately.

"Hi, Doc. Call me Steve, please," he said with a smile on his face, which didn't reach his eyes.

She could see how desperate he tried not to lose it. The friendly face tried to convince her he was fine. Nevertheless, his body language gave him away. He was strained and tense.

"A new case?" She guessed.

The smile vanished while he tucked away his mobile. His jaw muscles worked.

"Did, did you …"

She nodded, "Yes. I gave Danny the letter. I'm sure he's going to read it."

"YESSS," Steve answered triumphantly, "what's next?"

"You have to be patient. You can't expect him to change his mind from one minute to the other. He's doing fine at the moment, but his mind is still fragile. Please, be patient."

Steve scratched the back of his head. He was close to tears.

"I have to go. What if Danny wants me to see, and I'm not here?"

She put a hand on his forearm, "Don't worry. I'll give you a call as soon as Danny makes up his mind. Promised. In the meantime, do your job. Catch the bad guys." She winked at him and turned on her heel before he could utter an answer.

Tears stung in his eyes. He knew he wasn't in the mood to go to work, but it was his god damned duty.

"I'm here, Danno, whenever you are ready, I'm here for you." He whispered and left.

_+++++_

It was the first time since his arrival that Danny set foot in the hallway and then was almost run over by a young girl in a wheelchair.

He ended up in her lap.

"My dad warned me to pick up hitchhikers," she giggled.

Danny struggled to get back to his feet. His face was crimson red when his gaze fell on the girl.

"I'm sorry. I thought it would be a good idea to grab your attention." She smirked.

Danny grimaced, "What?"

"Hi, I'm Melissa, and you must be the cop that decided to become a hermit, means a person who has withdrawn to a solitary place for a life of seclusion. And I totally understand why you denied the food. But I have to tell you it's much better since they fired the old cook."

Danny just stood there, gaping.

"Oh, sorry, that must've been too much input for you. Let's do it, step by step. Hi, I'm Melissa." She said again, "And you are?"

His brain was still processing what she just told him.

"Don't worry; the meds are making you dizzy. You get used to it with the time," she explained to him.

He nodded, "Okay, thanks. Uhm ... Hi, I'm Danny. Thanks for the heads up. How come you know, I'm a cop?"

"I practically live here. Exciting news travels fast. Come with me; I give you the insight tour." She wheeled away then stopped and said, "You're coming or what?"

Twenty minutes later, they ended up in the day room.

Danny sat down on an old armchair. Melissa parked her wheelchair opposite to him. There were several couches dotted around, and a stack of plastic chairs on each side of the entry door. In one corner was a desk, with a nurse sitting at it, watching them. Someone was always watching them. There's a woman, about his age, also sitting in one of the large armchairs. She's clutching a teddy bear which was tatty and worn. Her lips were constantly moving like she was having a conversation with someone who wasn't there.

A young man, a teenager, stopped next to Danny. The guy was fidgeting with the zipper of his jacket.

"I didn't want to hurt her. I swear. It was an accident. I didn't want to hurt her. You must believe me; you hear me?"

Danny winced as he felt the young man's spittle on his cheek and the hot breath against his ear. A nurse came and led the guy away. Melissa gave Danny a Kleenex so that he could wipe his cheek.

"They guy's harmless," she said, "His name is Rudy, a schizophrenic. He's here because his family threw him out some months ago. They couldn't handle him any longer."

Suddenly, Danny felt sorry for the teenager. How could parents be so cruel? He didn't get it because he loved his kids. And when Charlie needed a bone marrow transplant, and he was a match; he didn't think twice. Gracie and Charlie, he missed them both, one more reason to get out of here, as soon as possible.

Melissa nudged him, "Hey Danny, what's the matter with you? Why are you looking so sad?"

He shook his head, "Nothing. It's nothing. You know a lot of things about the people in here. What about you? What's your story?"

She snorted, "There isn't much of a story. Depression, borderline personality disorder, attempted suicide … three times. Oh and congratulations on getting past the refusing to leave your room stage. You get back to socialize, which is a huge step in the healing process."

She pointed at the girl with the teddy bear, "That's Anna. She's here every day, but I've never seen her with any visitor. The lanky guy over there is Andy; he's bipolar and OCD. He's great and funny, but you shouldn't touch his pencils then you get to see the not so funny side of him."

Danny hardly listened to her. Melissa was a natural beauty. Her big brown eyes were lively and her face flawless.

"What?" she asked, "You're observing me?"

Danny made a dismissive gesture, "Cop mode. I can't shut it off when I'm surrounded by many people. Would you mind if I ask you some questions?"

"From observation to interrogation, wow, you move pretty fast, mister."

Suddenly, he felt like a gigantic dick, "Sorry. I didn't mean …"

She grinned, "I was just kidding. Go ahead; what do you want to know?"

"You said you've tried to kill you, three times. Why?"

She pointed at the wheelchair. "I wasn't born that way. It happened two years ago. I was at a party, dancing, enjoying life. Next thing I know I woke up at the hospital. They told me I dropped from the balcony on the second floor." She shrugged.

"Have you been on your own?" Danny wanted to know.

She shrugged, "The police did some digging but came up empty. It seemed like I'd been out there on my own. None of the other guests had seen a damn thing. One moment I was there, the other moment I was gone, call me Houdini." She gave him a lopsided grin.

"I'm sorry. It's always the same the more people there are; the less have seen a thing. I've worked many crime scenes. It's a common thing, unfortunately." Danny told her. "And that's the reason you …"

"Yes, I was a cheerleader, and I wanted to become a ballet dancer. A stony path, I know but my dream was to dance at the Met or the opera houses in Europe. Dancing was my living. And now …" She looked at an imaginary point way past him.

Minutes ticked by in silence. Danny couldn't imagine what this girl had been through.

"Melissa," he said in a low voice, "How do you keep going? I mean … three times. I'm not even sure I have enough strength to return from this one."

Their eyes locked. She shrugged, "Hope, I suppose. I don't have an answer for you. Every time I feel the same way. Drained. Numb. Lonely. And then somehow at some point, that hope kicks in. It's all you can do. Hope you'll get through it, hope you can be good enough for those who love you, hope that it is the last time you'll ever feel that way." She huffed out a sigh.

"But what if hope isn't kicking in?"

"Some time ago, that was all I wanted, for it to end. When I ended up here for the fucking third time, I told myself, no more pills! Next time I would make sure it worked. I would take a leap off the motorway, or I would grab my dad's gun and blow my brains out."

Danny nodded slowly; he had thought about using a gun as well and then decided against it. Only God knows why.

Melissa batted his knee, "And now look at me! Tada, I'm still here, ready to keep going or at least trying. So should you."

"And if you spiral again?"

"I have to believe that I don't. Danny, nothing's guaranteed. You can take only one step at a time. And there's this damned hot boyfriend of yours. He's a keeper. He was watching over you all the time. I wished I had such a guardian angel."

Danny blushed, "You know, given your age and where we are, you talk a lot of sense. You seem so normal."

Melissa laughed, patted his knee again. He was surprised; he wasn't bothered by the contact.

"I tell you a secret. One month ago, you wouldn't have said that. We are normal, probably a little different to most but still normal."

"So you've been here for a month, now? Wow, I can't decide if that makes me happy or gives me the creeps."

"Well, it's almost a month. What level section are you on, Danny?"

"Two."

"That means they can keep you here for about 28 days. Best thing would be to talk to Alicia if you "behave" they might leave you out earlier."

Danny nodded, "I think Alicia mentioned something like that. Only, sometimes I'm guilty of switching off."

The door of the day room opened, and a nice-looking couple in their mid-thirties entered the room. Melissa's face beamed, "Mom, dad!" she hollered out.

While they exchanged welcoming hugs and pleasantries, Danny took a closer look at Melissa's parents. His cop senses didn't betray him. Both looked tired and worried. They just didn't want to show it. Melissa introduced her parents, Jill and Karl to Danny. They led a pleasant conversation until Danny thought it was time to give them and him some space.

Suddenly, he wanted nothing more than to see Steve, talk to him, touch him. His whole body was yearning for Steve McGarrett. However, first, he had to make sure he didn't look any longer like a homeless junkie.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](http://mycoven.net/index.php?seite=display&img=i368b8e981)   
> 

The door of Alicia's office was open. She sat behind her desk and leafed through a patient's file. Dragging a deep breath and holding it there, Danny muttered, "I want to see Steve. I checked the visitor area…"

Alicia put the file aside and got up, "I know. He had to leave. I give him a call, okay?"

In front of the mirror, after showering and changing, Danny rubbed at his beard. "I look like shit," he thought. He had lost weight; his hair needed cutting, and his skin was pale. He couldn't stop wondering how Steve would react to him. He looked so differently from when they first met. Danny did no longer look like the man Steve fell in love with. He grabbed the edge of the sink until his knuckles went white and forced himself to look into the mirror, again.

"I have to believe he still loves me. That's all that counts. I have to believe that though my fucked-up mind is telling me something else."

The nurse arrived and jerked him from his gloomy thoughts. Thankfully, he took the disposal razor and the shaving cream from her hands.

"You know I have to stay here, Danny. I won't follow you into the bathroom, but I have to ask you to leave the door ajar." It was the first time, since his arrival, Danny didn't find her friendly behavior annoying. He nodded briefly, "Of course."

It took Danny a while to remove the hair that he'd allowed to grow for the last few weeks. His left thumb made the whole procedure a little difficult. It refused to cooperate. Obviously, he'd cut too deep and had hurt a nerve or muscle. Time would tell. Being clean shaven accentuated the gauntness of his cheeks, but he looked much better than he did ten minutes ago.

He stepped back into his room and returned all items to the nurse. She winked at him, "You're looking good. I'm proud of you. You'll need to wait in the day room for your visitor." Then she was gone.

As soon as the nurse was out of sight, Danny's courage started to wane, and he had to motivate himself a few more times not to change his mind. Before he left, he took Steve's letter, folded it neatly, and put it in the back pocket of his jeans. He took one last look into the mirror. He was dressed in a black button-down shirt; stone-washed jeans and flip-flops and looked like shit. However, there was nothing he could do about it, right now. "It is what it is," he muttered.

+++++

Steve crouched next to the body. It was a young woman, strangled to death with the strap of her purse. She'd lost one of her pink high heels; her dress and her face were smeared with blood and mud. Her long blonde hair was tangled.

"Looks like she put up a hell of a fight before her lights went out," Grover stated dryly. He stood right behind Steve and exchanged glances with Max.

Steve got up and took a look at the purse that Kono handed him. "Except for some makeup and lipstick, this thing is empty. It's nothing in there that could tell us who she is or where she was last night. The trail is cold."

Steve shook his head, "it's the third victim in three weeks, same MO, the same type of girl."

Grover furrowed his brows. "You think this is the work of a serial?"

"I don't think it's a coincidence," Steve replied. His cell phone rang. The caller ID told him it was Alicia.

He quieted Grover by lifting a finger.

"Alicia?"

"Hi Steve, I've got good news for you. Danny wants to see you. Could you…"

"I'm on my way." He ended the call and looked at his teammates, "Danny wants to see me."

"Then why are you still standing here? GO!" Grover ordered.

Up in tears, Steve climbed behind the steering wheel and fired up the engine.

+++++

Danny didn't know how long he'd been waiting already. During an absent-minded glance across the room, he spotted Steve hovering in the doorway. Danny stared at him, his heart beating like a jackhammer in his chest. "God, he's beautiful," Danny thought. Steve's hair was a little longer, and he'd been sporting a five o'clock shadow.

When tall, dark and gloomy started to move towards him, the hand tucked into the pockets of his cargos; Danny forgot how to breathe for a moment. His knees turned to jelly as he started walking to meet Steve halfway. He consciously tugged on the sleeves of his shirt. Suddenly, they stood opposite to each other. It seemed that both were scared of starting a conversation. For a few long seconds, they just stood.

Until Steve's chest crashed into Danny's, and they throw their arms around each other. "I'm so sorry, Steve, I'm so sorry," Danny whimpered, clinging to his lover's body because letting him go would mean Danny ceased to exist.

"Cut that crap; you hear me?" Steve whispered into the blonde's ear. "Don't you ever apologize to me for what you've been through, okay?"

Danny nodded and gave him a crooked smile. They sat down at one of the tables.

Steve took a look around. How Danny had missed seeing his partner turning into cop mode. How he'd missed everything about him.

At a certain point, their eyes locked. "Is it hard?" Steve wanted to know.

"Being here? To be honest, I've been on nicer holidays."

Steve rolled his eyes, "How… how are you feeling?" he asked cautiously.

"Oh, you want to know if I still feel the urge to kill me," Danny blurted out.

"No, what do you think…"

"Steven!"

"Well, yes…"

"I don't think so."

"You don't think so?" Steve's voice got a tad louder.

"Sorry, it's the best I can offer, right now. I still have a long way to go."

"But you think being in here is helping you," Steve offered.

"I hope so."

Danny could see the disappointment on his lover's face.

"I won't lie to you to make you feel better, Steve. Remember, that's what brought me in here in the first place. What about you?" Danny tried a change of subject.

"Terrified, you scared the crap out of me… and the rest of us."

Danny reached out. They entwined their fingers. The touch made all of his issues disappear, for the moment, at least.

"Tell me, why you didn't want to see me. Why you kept pushing me away from you," Steve urged.

"Shame. Anger. Fear…"

"So I was right, all the way. You were angry with me, Danno?"

Danny swallowed. "I was angry with everything. I was angry that you saved my life, and instead of moving on after that, you kept hanging around. I was angry at myself for hurting you and everyone else. I was angry that I wasn't able to kill myself."

"For Christ's sake, Danny!" Steve let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He closed his eyes briefly, to comprehend what he just heard.

"I wished you knew that you could've told me everything."

Danny nodded, "I'm working on it, together with Alicia. I tell you, she can be a real pain in the ass, at times. And she gets me to talk, most of the time."

"I think she's good for you, and she's good at her job. You wouldn't like her if she was sugar coating you. You need someone who kicks your ass to get you into gears," Steve smirked.

"Any chance you're not talking about Alicia, here? I like it when you go all bossy on me."

Steve blew out a chuckle, "You might be onto something here."

Their conversation turned lighter as they talked about casual stuff. About the new case, H50 was working on. About the fact that some parts of this institution were painted in vomit yellow and that some of the nurses looked and behaved like an offspring of Hitler. Danny was glad Steve didn't push him for any more answers.

Shortly before the time was over, Steve's gaze fell on Danny's wrists. They weren't bandaged any longer. He reached out, but Danny stopped him short. "Please, don't. Not yet." He tugged on his sleeves and pulled his hands away.

Steve bit his lower lip, nodding faintly. He focused on his lover's face, "Please tell me that I can come back tomorrow." The bell rang. The time was over.

Both got up. Danny reached across the table, grabbed Steve's neck and pulled him close. They pressed their foreheads against each other. "I'd love that." The blonde whispered. Feeling Steve's warm breath on his face, inhaling his scent and holding him was all he needed right now. They stood there for some time as the stupid bell rang again. Danny lay a chastise kiss on Steve's lips until he reluctantly broke away from him. "I love you, always."

Steve smiled, threw his arms around his friend for one last time and crushed him to his chest. "Thank you, buddy. I love you too for always and a day."

Around dinner time, Danny was filled with a new sense of determination. Instead of eating alone in his room, as usual, he headed out into the dining room. He knew he's being watched by the staff and what he just did was seen as progress, which would earn him 'brownie points' in his file. Later that night, he lay on his back, in bed, stared at the ceiling and was filled with a small sense of pride. Today, he'd done a step into his new life. He could leave the darkness behind. He would get better, for Steve, for his kids and himself.

+++++

Steve tossed and turned in bed. Finally, he got up at two in the morning, went downstairs and grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge. Wearing nothing than a pair of jeans, he sat down on a chair on his lanai, leaned back and put his feet on the railing, where he crossed them at the ankles. It was a full moon. The air was humid, and soon Steve's upper body was glistening with sweat. He took a swig from the bottle, then set it on the table next to him.

The huge scar from the liver transplant which went down from his chest to his navel was itching. He scratched it carefully as a thought crossed his mind, "What if he'd died? Would Danny still have tried to kill himself?" The truth was, they would never know. It was unpredictable. And it was naïve to think that visiting Danny would make Steve feel any better. The man he met yesterday was broken. His back was hunched, his fingers fidgeted. There wasn't much left from the confident, poised, wise-ass hoale that Steve once knew. What hurt him the most was that these incredible blue eyes were so lost. "Fuck!" Steve cursed and got up. He'd never felt so useless in his life because he didn't know how to help Danny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a transition to what comes next. Buckle up for the final rollercoaster.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](http://mycoven.net/index.php?seite=display&img=i368b8e981)   
> 

_Steve opened the door of Danny's house. Church bells rang from afar which was odd because there wasn't a church anywhere close to this area. He stepped forward and the door behind him banged shut. It made him almost jump out of his skin. Something seemed off. A waft of blood and decay hit his nostrils, but he told his feet to keep moving. Danny's bathroom door opened without his ado and the stench grew stronger making him retch. A light was flickering erratically, but Steve was determined to find out what the hell was going on. As soon as he entered the bathroom, his attention was drawn to the bath tub. A suffocated cry escaped his throat as he discovered Danny's lifeless body in the water. Later, in his report he would describe the remains as 'grotesque,' citing the body's distinctly purple hue and severe bloating, but wait, that's not what happened. In front of his eyes, the bath tub morphed into a coffin. The church bells’ ringing was unbearable. Steve dropped to his knees, pressed his palms against his ears, and screamed at the top of his lungs._

He woke with a blow, finding himself sitting upright in his bed, palms pressed against his ears. He was bathed in sweat. "Fuck," he cursed. It took him a while to process what just happened. A nightmare, it was just a nightmare. Nevertheless, Steve's heart was beating like a jackhammer he was having a hard time breathing, and everything seemed blurry. He remembered the feeling all too well because he'd experienced it when his body had been ripped to shreds by gunfire not that long ago. The icy hand of a panic attack gripped at his heart, and he tried to crush it. Steve focused on his breathing: in and out, in and out, in and out. Soon, he regained control over his body. The attack subsided. His heartbeat had also returned to a normal rate. Finally, he felt like he had regained control over his senses. He grimaced as he caught a whiff of his shirt and came to the conclusion that he was in desperate need of a shower.

Two hours later, he was on his way to see Danny. The last few days had been good though they didn't talk much. Or more so the whirlwind from Jersey didn't. Steve had never been as talkative as his friend, and Danny’s silence was something new for him to get used to. As Danny became quieter, it was more the nonverbal conversation that came through. At first, Steve tried to take over Danny's part, however, the things he had to say weren't quite as entertaining, and at some point, he'd talked himself into a dead end. They spent the rest of the day on the bench in the hospital's park watching other patients and visitors.

Steve smiled at the thought. Sometimes they behaved like an old, married couple. Grover was still teasing Steve about that matter. The faintest of smile was wiped from Steve's lips as he entered the waiting area and found Rachel talking to her lawyer.

"Rachel, you got to be kidding me," Steve said instead of greeting her, ignoring the lawyer completely. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

She grabbed his arm and shoved him out of her lawyer's earshot, "Well, hello Steve. This isn't the right place or the right time to discuss this matter," she hissed.

"No? Why not? Danny's doing great. If you're waltzing in, lawyered up with a ton of papers to sign so, you will get full custody of Charlie and Gracie, what the hell do you think this would do to him?"

"We made an appointment. I'm not just waltzing in there. I've talked to Danny's doctor and him. He's fully aware of what I'm doing, and he agrees with me. This is none of your business." She snapped.

"Of course he agrees with you. What else can he do? He's locked up in a loony bin for Christ's sake. You're not allowing the kids to visit their dad. He hasn't seen them in ages. He would do anything to please you." Steve stared daggers at her.

"This is not about pleasing me, Steven. This is about the safety of my children."

"Bullshit, Rachel. And you know that. The day he tried to k… The day he wanted to…" Steve was fighting not to lose it. Tears stung in his eyes. He sharply inhaled before he continued talking to Danny's ex-wife.

"He'd taken every precaution that the kids weren't near him. This… this whole thing was more like a cry for help. Danny didn't have any intention to hurt you, the kids, or anyone else."

Rachel snorted and crossed her arms over her chest. "A cry for help? Is that what you're thinking? Now, you've got to be kidding me."

Steve shook his head, "Danny has been under a lot of pressure, lately. Things were adding up. We were working a tough case, and the victim ended up dead. It was one of those fucked up cases that were destined to go south. We were played and didn't have the slightest chance to save this guy. However, we were up to our necks in it when we realized there was nothing we could do. Danny discovered the body. I had no idea that this would have such a massive impact on him and throw him off track, completely."

Silence.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "It’s not the first time he found a body. He's a cop, that’s his job."

"The victim was the height and build of Matty, even their hair color was a match," Steve added.

"Oh, I... I didn't know that. I'm sorry." Her gaze dropped to her shoes.

Steve gently touched her upper arm, "Rachel please, don't make Danny do this. Don't make him sign these papers. I'm sure you and he will find another way to work things out."

She lifted her head to look him straight in the eyes, "I'm sorry. I have no other option. Believe me when I say it's all for the good of the children. As soon as Danny is back on his feet, we'll undo the agreement. It's just temporary, I promise."

Steve let go of her and took one step back. "Are you aware of the consequences? This could destroy or even worse reverse the progress he's made over the past few weeks. You could cause serious damage…"

"Stop it, Steven! I'm fully aware of what I'm doing, and I'm not going into it blind. Alicia and I had hours of conversation about that matter."

"Great, Alicia and you. What about Danny? Was he part of it from the beginning or was it just presented to him as a done deal?" Steve chimed in.

"Danny was, is in no condition to make decisions on his own. Alicia talked to him as well and…"

"Alicia talked to him, not you? Excellent, you turn your back on your ex-husband and let doctors and lawyers decide what's best for him," Steve snapped.

"I was done talking to him the moment he decided to kill himself. How could he do that? How could he do that to his children and me? Why didn't he try to get help sooner? Why didn't he talk to you or me or God knows who? He locked everyone out of his life. This is not the man I once loved; I don't know him anymore. He's become a stranger to me." Rachel pulled her vest closer, hoping her sudden shiver was due to the morning chill.

"I can't believe what you just said," Steve was taken aback. "Rachel, the man in there, is still the Danny you knew. You sound like you're angry at him like he'd hurt you on purpose. No way, it wasn't his intention to hurt anybody. He's wounded. His soul is wounded. Just because there's no visible injury doesn't mean he's okay."

"I'm not stupid, Steven. I know about depression and PTSD."

"Then why are you acting like this and forcing Danny to make a decision he's going to regret soon?"

"It's none of your business. You don't have children, Steve. If you were a father, you'd see things from a different angle and now excuse me. My lawyer's waiting for me."

"One more thing, Rachel, before you bring in the cavalry, let me talk to Danny, first. You owe me that at least."

She shrugged, "Of course. Go ahead." With that, she turned on her heels and left.

Ten minutes later Steve's eyes searched the room for Danny. He was sitting in a rocking chair near the huge glass window that showed a breathtaking view of the ocean.

However, Danny didn't see it. His look was empty, and he seemed to be lost in thoughts. There wasn't much left of the once loudmouthed guy with the athletic figure and the slick back hair. He's turned into someone fragile, full of vulnerability. The five o'clock shadow was slowly turning into a beard.

At best Steve would've taken Danny into his arms and never let him go. He'd take the blonde guy as far away from here as possible. Nothing could ever harm him again.

As soon as Danny saw Steve approaching him, his eyes came to life. He jumped up. The gloomy thoughts lifted as they embraced each other like there was no tomorrow.

"It's good to see you, buddy," Danny whispered, his voice suffocated with tears. Steve felt there was something off, so he stopped to hold him an arm's length away

"What happened? Are you okay?" Steve alarmingly asked.

Danny pressed his lips together, and his chin quivered. No doubt he was searching for words.

"Danno, spit it out. What's bothering you?" Steve had only one thing on his mind: Rachel. He was boiling with rage and almost missed what Danny had to tell him.

"Alicia talked to me, yesterday. She said I would be able to spend a whole day with you outside of here. We can go wherever we want to. She thinks I'm ready for the next step."

Steve looked at his friend, astounded. "Awesome, Danny. This is awesome, but why didn't you call me yesterday?"

"I wanted to look into your baby blues when I break the news to you. I hardly slept last night, but the look on your face makes it worth all the while." Danny grinned.

"You stupid little oaf, I love you." He answered. Steve took Danny's face between his hands, looking him over carefully before he kissed the smaller guy. Steve was surprised by the raw and pure need he felt. He didn't give a damn about the other people until cheers and applause erupted in the room.

Both felt embarrassed and decided to retreat into a more secluded area of the room.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to, I don't know what came over me," Steve stammered.

Danny could hardly bite back his laughter, "I think I will get lots of fan mail. Did you see how they reacted? Why are you apologizing to me? I feel great. You didn't shy away from kissing me in front of all those people. Wow, I mean wow. You blew me away." Steve gave him a quick once over, "You're sure you're okay with it? I was just so happy when you told me the news; I couldn't help myself."

It was one of the rare moments where the old Danny suddenly was back. The guy that emphasized his words with his hands, the guy that looked happy, and the guy whose face wasn't as pale as a white sheet in a hotel bedroom.

"Steve? Steven? What's the matter with you? I'm babbling my ass off, and you look like you've seen a fucking ghost?"

The ex-navy-seal ground his teeth. He had seen a ghost, two to be exactly: Rachel and her lawyer. They were looming over their heads like the sword of Damocles, a great black shadow with slavering jaws and glittering eyes. It was threatening to eat up every bit of hope that he had left and there was no way to stop it. Steve wished he had the power to make Rachel go away.

"Ground control to spaceship McGarrett. Aneurysm face is not what I've expected to see, at least not now." Danny quipped.

A cold hand closed over Steve's heart. "Rachel and her lawyer are waiting outside," he blurted out.

"That's what's bothering you? I’m okay with it. I knew she was going to pay me a visit and I knew she would have her lawyer in tow and make me sign some papers. Look, Steve, I have to do what's best for my kids." Danny's words were calm and reasonable.

Steve tilted his head to one side, "You're not going to fight her? You're telling me you're signing everything she puts under your nose without further ado?"

Danny huffed out a laugh, "The rules have changed. I tried to kill myself. I'm in no position to tell Rachel what's right and what's wrong right now. I want her to do that."

Steve's eyes got big, "You sound like her. Did they brainwash you in here? You're on heavy medication. You're not able to think straight."

"Oh, Steve," Danny sighed, "last time I counted my screws none of them were missing. I can't say I'm dancing for joy. All I want is that things are settled for my kids and me. Do you think I have a choice? No judge in the world would listen to me after all that happened. It could be worse. Rachel could've taken the kids away from me, already. She could've filed a restraining order."

"Is this what she told you to make you sign the papers?" Steve asked.

Danny shook his head, "No. There were no threats and no bad words between her and me. I promise you; I'm fine. I have to take responsibility for what I did as well as for the aftermath. This is only one thing that I will have to deal with. One of the others is thinking about my future. I'm not sure if I can return to the job."

"WHAT?!" Steve blurted out, "Of course you're going to return. I need you; the team needs you. We're working our asses off to keep the Governor from assigning another detective to the team in your replacement. Cut that crap and stop throwing away everything you love about being a cop and a dad. You stumbled, but there are a lot of people who still count on you and want you back in their lives. It's way too early to change your focus on a future without Five-0."

"Hi, Rachel," Danny interrupted their talk and got up to greet his ex-wife and her companion.

Steve watched them closely. He was desperately looking for a hint that told him Danny didn't know what he was doing or if Rachel had forced her ex-husband into this situation. It looked like his gut instinct failed him miserably, today. Maybe it didn't work so well when it came to Danny. He would have to realize that and learn how to read the signs better in the future. He did not want to ever miss the signs again for both their sakes.

However, when they sat down in Alicia's office to sign the papers, Steve's anger against Rachel grew. She had an angel's face with a heart made of stone. He didn't have a high opinion of her since she held back the truth about who was Charlie's real birth father until the poor boy got sick and needed a bone marrow transplant. Danny hadn't told Steve much about his feelings and what he was thinking about the whole matter. He seemed to simply accept it and was glad to save his son's life as his bone marrow donor. "Danny, the happy, selfless donor," Steve thought and put his hand on his stomach, absently. For the rest of his life, he would carry a part of Danny with him. This was the cheesy sounding truth. If it weren't for Danny donating half of his liver, Steve would no longer be chasing criminals through the streets of Hawaii. So he watched his selfless partner signing the paper that granted Rachel full custody on Gracie and Charlie. Steve truly hoped this time the woman was not tricking Danny into another custody battle after his recovery. The whole thing just saddened him. He felt he let Danny down again.

Steve left the hospital, drove to Danny's favorite spot on the island, and watched a rosy sunset flood over the sea. The setting sun bathed its surroundings in shades of orange and purple. Though the view was stunning, it didn't divert Steve from his gloomy thoughts. His mind wandered back to the days he and Danny first met and he wondered about what lay ahead of them in the foreseeable future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to prolong this story because I don't want to rush things. Hope you stay on board.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part of a, mostly, dark journey. Thanks for hanging in there and being right by my side. 
> 
>  
> 
> [](http://mycoven.net/index.php?seite=display&img=i368b8e981)   
> 

Merrily whistling Steve slid his lanky frame behind the steering wheel and put the box filled with malasadas carefully on the passenger seat. Danny loved them, and it would also be a nice addition to the otherwise boring hospital food. 

Twenty minutes later, Steve drove into the hospital's parking lot. He was on his way to the main entrance when his cell phone chirped. Steve balanced the box in one hand while he fished his cell from the back pocket of his cargos with the other. 

He took a quick glance at the caller ID. "Hey, Dr. Alicia. What a pleasant surprise I'm with you in a few moments," he said in a cheerful mood, "I've some malasadas with me. They are still warm and smell like heaven. I …" 

"Steve, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but you can't see Danny today or tomorrow. There was an incident earlier in the morning." 

Steve felt all the strength and hope drained from him. He stopped in his tracks while his heartbeat accelerated. "What the hell are you talking about? What kind of incident? Is Danny okay?" 

"No, Danny is not okay. He had a relapse, a bad one." 

"I'll be with you in a minute." He cut her short and threw the box of malasadas in the bin next to the entrance. 

Steve found Alicia sitting behind her desk talking into a Dictaphone. She pushed the stop button as soon as he'd closed the door behind him. 

"Tell me what the hell is going on!" Steve demanded, "It was you who said Danny is making significant progress, and that I can take him home soon. Now you tell me that he experienced a relapse? Is it Rachel's fault? Did she and her fucking lawyer cause it? I thought you considered Danny's fit enough to make this god-damned deal, and that it wouldn't harm him. Obviously, you were all wrong." 

Steve stared her down, but she held his gaze and put the Dictaphone aside. 

"Please, Steve, calm down. This has nothing to do …" 

"Don't tell me this has nothing to do with what went down in the visiting area three days ago. I was supposed to take Danny home for a single fucking day, and now you tell me I can't because his condition took a turn for the worse? What are you, a doctor or a fortune teller?" 

"Steve, please," Alicia said as she stood and held her hands up in a defensive gesture. "Have a seat and let me explain what happened." 

She could see the vein throbbing on Steve's neck. No doubt he was more than pissed upon the news, she just broke to him. 

"You want me to calm down?" His voice was loud enough that Alicia's assistant peeked into the office. 

"Everything's okay, ma'am?" she asked. 

"Yes, Milly, we are fine. This is just a misunderstanding. Right?" Alicia nodded in Steve's direction.

 "Yes, yes, of course, just a misunderstanding." He took the seat to his right. 

Alicia gave her assistant a reassuring smile until Milly reluctantly closed the door. 

The doctor's smile faltered, and she turned her attention back to Steve, "I didn't lie when I told you that Danny was making significant progress, but he also seemed to be a quite good actor. At some point, he tricked me, and yesterday I found out that he'd stashed his meds instead of taking them. When I called him to the account, he said they only made him dizzy, and he didn't want to run around like a zombie most of the day. We agreed on a new medication, and Danny was fully cooperative. Around 4:00 am in the morning, a patient managed to escape from the highly secured ward. It is where we keep the most dangerous of our patients. Currently, investigations are underway how this could have happened."

She paused; it was hard for her to keep on. 

"However, this patient made his way into Danny's ward. Danny woke to the screaming and shouting, and his cop instincts took over. He rushed outside, but it was too late. The guy already killed a nurse. Danny put up a fight with the other patient before he could kill anyone else. At some point, the man seemed to surrender. Our securities were half way there, and Danny wanted to grab the scalpel when the guy swung around and slit his own throat. Your partner was drenched in blood, which obviously caused a flashback. Danny had a major breakdown, and he had to be sedated." 

The room was filled with awkward silence while Steve was processing what he just heard. Alicia sat back down in her chair and clasped her fingers on her lap, waiting for her visitor's reaction. 

Steve shifted in his seat and cleared his throat before he rose to speak. "So you tell me he, he was doing his duty when this happened to him? Was he hurt otherwise? I mean physical?" 

Alicia shook her head, "No. He was lucky, but the mental scars run deep. I can't tell you how long it is going to take him to recover from this … this incident. I also called a friend of mine who deals with veterans who suffer PTSD and other traumas. He's flying in from the mainland today and will stick around as long as needed." 

Steve closed his eyes briefly and ran a hand over his stubbly chin, "Does that mean you are giving up on him?" 

Alicia swallowed, "No, of course not. I have never given up on any of my patients. I think in Danny's case, it is good to have a second opinion and someone who's more experienced in the field." 

"I hope you don't tell me my partner is too fucked up to be cured. Shit; that came out wrong." Steve huffed out a breath. 

"Speaking of wrong," Alicia continued, "Could it be that you and Danny are hiding something from me concerning his brother's death?" 

Steve's head shot up in surprise, "No, not that I know of." His answer came a bit too fast, and his breath hitched. "You got all the necessary information." 

"You should consider a political career given your diplomatic answer. Steve, it is important for me to know every aspect of Matthew's death. Danny is talking in his sleep, and he's mentioning Marco Reyes, the man who killed his brother and went missing later." 

Steve sat up straight, "For your information, and I told you that already. Reyes wasn't, isn't just a man, he is a drug lord, and I'm sure he has enough enemies who are after him and made him go into deep cover. I could call my office and send you some details about him; though I highly doubt this would be helpful for Danny's recovery. You have my word and Danny's. We told you everything." 

It was a flat out lie, but he couldn't tell Alicia that Danny had killed this bastard in cold blood. Steve had to admit that it freaked him out to learn that Danny was talking in his sleep. He hadn't done it in the past or not regularly, and he sure hadn't mentioned Reyes ever before. 

It was another reason Steve had to do anything to make sure Danny got out of there as soon as possible. 

"Okay," Alicia finally said, "You can go and visit Danny. Don't expect much. He's still under heavy sedation." She went to the door, opened it for Steve, and followed him to Danny's room. 

+++++ 

It took another five weeks until Danny was allowed to leave the hospital for one day. It was the first step into an unknown future. Danny was far from being the cop he once was and even farther away from carrying a gun. But he was doing great, especially since Alicia's friend, Dr. Ethan Monroe, was working with him. 

Danny's and Steve's first stop on that day was Odell's barber shop. The hair dresser was perfect in innocuous chit-chat. 

"Thank you for giving me the most entertaining hair cut in my life and for turning me back into a human being," Danny said while he was shaking Odell's hand. "How much is it?" 

Odell shook his head, "McGarrett's friends are my friends, and I owed Steve a favor, anyway." He winked at Steve, who mouthed, "Thank you." 

"What's next for me on your to-do list?" Danny quipped on the way back to the black Camaro. 

"To-do … to-do list? Since when do I have a to-do list? I'm improvising." He held the car keys out to Danny, "How about you drive your car for the rest of the day?" 

"Who me?" Danny wondered, "You would really do that for me? You would let me drive my car on my day out of the loony bin? Are you nuts?" 

Steve frowned. 

"Seriously, I considered you Mr. Danny's chauffeur. I mean it's my day off. I fully trust you." 

"You fully trust me?" Steve acted surprised, "Who are you, and what have you done to my partner?" 

Danny sighed and took the passenger seat. 

"Your wish is my command," Steve fired up the engine. 

"I hope you haven't planned a day at the spa," Danny said out of the blue when they were driving down the coast. 

Indeed, Steve had had something like that in mind. But he had a change of heart and arranged a romantic picnic at the Queen Emma Summer Palace. 

This place was actually a museum, but during one of their cases, the museum's owner was involved in H50's investigations. He turned out to be the victim of a big scam. The H50 task force could recover most of the money that, otherwise, would have been lost forever. 

Danny whistled through his teeth when Steve led him through the lovely residence that had been the seasonal retreat for Queen Emma and her family around the 1800s. In the backyard was a beautiful garden. In the middle of it, someone had arranged a blanket with a flowery decoration and a picnic basket on it. 

"Wow, you must have been kind of busy while I spent my time out on the sideline." 

Steve gave Danny a questioning look. 

"I'm talking about all the favors you are calling in because I can't believe that you are blackmailing all those people that are helping you to make this day a special one." Steve noticed the hint of bitterness in Danny's voice. 

He waited until Danny kicked off his converse and sat down on the blanket. 

"Danny, you know this is not going to be your only day away from the hospital. Soon, you will be back with me at my house." 

The blond man stopped unpacking the picnic basket and lifted his head to meet his partner's beautiful blue eyes, "Sorry, did you just say 'your house?'" 

Steve blushed to the back of his neck, "I … I thought you might consider it a good idea. Nothing is set in stone yet. But I thought my house is bigger than yours, and you would not have to cope with all the nasty memories." His voice trailed off. He could no longer hold Danny's gaze. 

"I really love it when you are taking the lead, today. That doesn't mean I'm okay with it when you are about high jacking my entire life. Your next step will have me committed as a dangerous lunatic and declared legally incompetent for the rest of my life?! What could go wrong? I already lost my kids. Why should I care about my life, anyway?" 

Danny jumped to his feet. Tears stung in his eyes. 

"You know that this is ridiculous and unfair," Steve snapped. "I was not involved in any way when Rachel was asking you for full custody. On the contrary, I fought for you like a lion. I begged her not to do it. Like usual, she didn't listen. Why should she? I'm the last person in the world someone would ask for parental advice. And I don't have any right to tell you what to do after you get out of the hospital. I shouldn't have mentioned a damn thing about you moving in with me." 

"I would have loved to see Rachel's face when you tried to lecture her about custody." Danny suddenly cackled and sat back down on the blanket. In silence, he finished unpacking the picnic basket. After he wolfed down a delicious looking beef sandwich and took a big gulp from the cold lemonade, he lay on his back, clasped his hands behind his head, and watched the slowly moving clouds. 

Steve was munching on malasadas, watching Danny's every move. He felt like a stalker but could not help himself. It was good to have his partner/lover back, though it would be a long road to re-establish their relationship. It would be delusional to keep thinking nothing between them had changed, and that they could go back to normal. Normal, tsk, like anything in their relationship, had ever been normal. 

Danny tore him from the gloomy thoughts when he said, "I never thanked you. I mean, really thanked you for saving my life." 

"Oh, you would have done the same for me," Steve replied with a full mouth. 

"I lied to you, Steven. I remember everything. I remember you heaving me out of the tub, doing CPR together with Max. I was floating near the ceiling and watched you from above." 

Steve almost choked on the malasadas. "You tell me, you had kind of an outer body experience, or whatever it is called. Wow, that sounds creepy." He downed another glass of lemonade. 

"Honestly, I don't know what it was, but I remember everything. And I'm sorry I scared the crap out of you and the others. It wasn't my intention to do so." Danny bit his lower lip. 

Steve was tempted to ask Danny about his intentions and about the final straw that made him cross the line. However, this wasn't the right place and time. This was Danny's first day away from the hospital in months, and their first time together, alone. He didn't want to overshadow it with a stupid question like, "Why did you do that?" Danny would either open up one day or never lose another word about it. 

They spent another hour at the wonderful palace until they decided to go to Steve's place. They changed into trunks in separate rooms. Danny wasn't ready for any intimacy. He was still paranoid about the scars on his wrists. Steve wasn't either. There were only a few hours left until Danny had to return to the hospital. He wasn't allowed to stay overnight. Steve knew the next time they were together he wanted to spend the whole night with Danny holding and loving him. 

As for now, they were horsing around in the water and enjoying the sun. At some point, their faces and bodies were dangerously close to each other.

"The first one who grabs a towel doesn't have to do the dishes," Steve said in a raspy voice. 

"Are you serious? It looked like you haven't done the dishes in ages," Danny replied. 

"Don't go suicidal on me again, if you lose," Steve teased. He didn't say it to trivialize what Danny had been through. He said it because he didn't want it to be a dirty secret. He didn't want Danny to be ashamed. It needed to be discussed if only between the two of them. Steve needed his partner to know that he was no longer hurt or angry and that it was okay to talk about it. 

"I don't want you to hide from me," Steve explained while he cupped Danny's cheek. 

"I appreciate your candidness. It makes me feel normal." Danny said seriously. 

"Dude, you are normal. And you're going to lose," Steve pulled him under water without any warning and ran toward the beach. 

"Cheater!" Danny yelled after he came up for air, coughing, and sprinted after him. 

Both stumbled out of the water. Danny grabbed Steve's upper arm to slow him down. In a desperate attempt, Steve tried to jerk his arm free and lost his balance. He took Danny with him as they fell, and they landed in the sand where they rolled around like kids. In the end, Steve came to lie on top of Danny and pinned him down with his weight. Both were breathing heavily. Their hearts were beating in a wild crescendo, and their eyes got hazy with desire. 

"I love you Danny, and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my days by your side, proving that you are special to me. Promise me you will never leave me again. I wouldn't survive another day without you." Steve put the gentlest of kisses on Danny's lips. The blond guy from Jersey melted into Steve's arms. He forgot to be ashamed of the scars on his wrists. He forgot how it felt to be alone. All he ever wanted was to be here and now with Steve.

 Barely able to speak through the tears, Danny wrapped his arms around Steve's neck, "I love you too, always and forever." They lost each other in an all-consuming kiss that seemed to span eternity. 

Right in this very moment, Danny knew what forever felt like, and when their tongues explored each other's mouths, he knew what it tasted like, too. Forever was the same as coming home. 

Saying goodbye later at the hospital felt so much harder than usual, but they had to hold on to the fact that what they had shared today would soon be every day. Alicia was there waiting for Danny as they reached the reception. 

"See you tomorrow," Steve said, releasing Danny's hand only slowly, brushing his fingers until they disappeared. 

"Love you," Danny mouthed before he turned around to follow Alicia down the hall. 

"Love you, too," Steve said barely audible. 

Only two weeks later, Danny was coming home. Both knew that going forward would not be easy, especially not for Danny. He had a lot to work through, a lot of inner-demons to face, and most important of all, a lot of healing to do. However, Steve was determined to be there for Danny, right by his side. Always and forever. 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Ohana, if you have made it this far, congratulations. You survived the emotional roller coaster. You are now ready for one of my other stories. I hope to meet you on the other side and would be more than happy to read your closing remarks. Aloha!


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